I always thought of myself as an optimist. Tomorrow will always be better than today. The main reason for this was my deep seated trust in God. He's the driver of my life, and therefore I had nothing to worry about.
Late this year, however, I felt totally abandoned by God, because none of what I had planed worked out at the time. Trauma cannot explain me feeling of disappointment I felt when my plans fell through! Is it a punishment for who I am? Why did I waste my energy trusting and hoping. Why wasn't I forewarned that I'm wasting my time. And slipped into a depression. Why not just die?
But yesterday as I walked home from work, wallowing in my sorrow, a thought came to me. Why aren't I giving thanks for what is actually going right in my life? Why curse God when things go haywire? Why not keep trusting as I always have?
You win some, you lose some. That’s life. The only constant that I have is that God remains the same. He sees the whole picture, and I'm only seeing now. If He says that he will prosper me, who am I to doubt that? So far I have no reason to complain. A good job, fabulous friends, loving family and I'm healthy. For that I will thank God.
' In everything give thanks : for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus to you. 1 Thes 5:18'
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Speak those things
I didn't sleep well last night. I'd been extremely exhausted that day and I had a seriously upset stomach. I didn't wake up feeling well either.
When my new squeez asked me how I was feeling, and how I slept, I hesitated abit, and decided to tell him I slept soundly, and i'm feeling ok. And I told myself to have a good day.
And a good day I had. I felt really productive all day. I was not at all tired. I didn't seem to mind the 1 hr queue for a matatu, and i actually had energy to cook when i got home.
Its amazing what the right attitude can do to boost ones energy levels. Re-affirming ourselves with words can drive us to higer levels of axhievement. Some motivational speakers will always tell us to speak those things we want to achieve.
I guess by speaking those things that we want, we are forced to internalize them and hence achieve them.
When my new squeez asked me how I was feeling, and how I slept, I hesitated abit, and decided to tell him I slept soundly, and i'm feeling ok. And I told myself to have a good day.
And a good day I had. I felt really productive all day. I was not at all tired. I didn't seem to mind the 1 hr queue for a matatu, and i actually had energy to cook when i got home.
Its amazing what the right attitude can do to boost ones energy levels. Re-affirming ourselves with words can drive us to higer levels of axhievement. Some motivational speakers will always tell us to speak those things we want to achieve.
I guess by speaking those things that we want, we are forced to internalize them and hence achieve them.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Tech is so cool!
I'm actually posting this in a bar, from my mobile phone! Its amazing how fast technology changes!
I try to imagine the days we did not have mobile phones! How on earth did people arrange for dates? How on earth did people lie where they are? What did people do when waiting for people? Beats me!
I, like so many others cannot live without a mobile phone. Its my constant companion. I'm with it everywhe i go. With this phone i've made and broken relationships. I've been it debt, i've dodged meetings, i've cried, i've shopped, i've been hired, all thanks to the phone.
But the one thing i hate is always being available, in touch, minute in, minute out. I have no peace so long as the phone is on! Like they say, too much of a good thing can be dangerous.
I try to imagine the days we did not have mobile phones! How on earth did people arrange for dates? How on earth did people lie where they are? What did people do when waiting for people? Beats me!
I, like so many others cannot live without a mobile phone. Its my constant companion. I'm with it everywhe i go. With this phone i've made and broken relationships. I've been it debt, i've dodged meetings, i've cried, i've shopped, i've been hired, all thanks to the phone.
But the one thing i hate is always being available, in touch, minute in, minute out. I have no peace so long as the phone is on! Like they say, too much of a good thing can be dangerous.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The Date
As I drive to meet Mr. Hot for our first date, two things run through my mind. Please do not say that you have fallen in love with me and lets not rip each others clothes off on meeting. These always happened in my other dates.
As I walk through the front door i'm wondering; should I just hug him, should i kiss him, should i just shake hands?
I couldn't resist. I had to taste them again, just to be sure, if not for a consolation prize, just in case. Hugging him, holding him, feeling him; just as I'd imagined. This could go well.
He makes for me dinner, is he aiming for my heart? All the while we chat, and our clothes are still on. I'm liking this. We talk, and laugh, I resist my urges.
Later we go for drinks till late. I like watching him dance, he's quite a catch. We head on back to his place and spend the night together. Magical, no sex tonight, just hold each other tight. I'd missed that. We sleep in all day next day. A perfect way to spend a lazy sunday.
When we part ways, there is a sadness, I'm already missing him. It was all I though it would be. The perfect first date.
As I walk through the front door i'm wondering; should I just hug him, should i kiss him, should i just shake hands?
I couldn't resist. I had to taste them again, just to be sure, if not for a consolation prize, just in case. Hugging him, holding him, feeling him; just as I'd imagined. This could go well.
He makes for me dinner, is he aiming for my heart? All the while we chat, and our clothes are still on. I'm liking this. We talk, and laugh, I resist my urges.
Later we go for drinks till late. I like watching him dance, he's quite a catch. We head on back to his place and spend the night together. Magical, no sex tonight, just hold each other tight. I'd missed that. We sleep in all day next day. A perfect way to spend a lazy sunday.
When we part ways, there is a sadness, I'm already missing him. It was all I though it would be. The perfect first date.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
D Day
Butterflies in the stomach cannot describe what I am feeling right now!
Today i will have the first date with the man that i am infatuated with. We have met before, but that was in the presence of others. Since then we have been texting each other, calling each other and thinking about each other. Its been exciting, having someone to give sweet nothings to. But today we meet. Just the two of us. Will the oomph still be there? Is he still as hot as i remember? Am i still as hot as he remembers?
Dating is such a stressful activity as time catches up with you. I rememmber when i was still young, it was so simple because the older guys had to do all the work. Now that I am the older guy, I have to do all the work. Too many questions are in my mind as I prepare to meet him: what shall we talk about, how do I look, how does he look, shall he meet my expectations, shall I meet his expectaions, what is the difference between me and all the others before me, is he the One?
I am excited to meet him, bit I wish that this day can be 40 hrs long. Then i'd have the patience to deal with this anxiety.
Wherever the wind blows, its fine with me. Live life is my motto. So I will go and meet him, and see where it goes!!
Today i will have the first date with the man that i am infatuated with. We have met before, but that was in the presence of others. Since then we have been texting each other, calling each other and thinking about each other. Its been exciting, having someone to give sweet nothings to. But today we meet. Just the two of us. Will the oomph still be there? Is he still as hot as i remember? Am i still as hot as he remembers?
Dating is such a stressful activity as time catches up with you. I rememmber when i was still young, it was so simple because the older guys had to do all the work. Now that I am the older guy, I have to do all the work. Too many questions are in my mind as I prepare to meet him: what shall we talk about, how do I look, how does he look, shall he meet my expectations, shall I meet his expectaions, what is the difference between me and all the others before me, is he the One?
I am excited to meet him, bit I wish that this day can be 40 hrs long. Then i'd have the patience to deal with this anxiety.
Wherever the wind blows, its fine with me. Live life is my motto. So I will go and meet him, and see where it goes!!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
What a choice!
Choice consists of the mental process of thinking involved with the process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them for action.
The biggest argument for homophobia is the aspect of choice. That men or women choose to have same gender sexual relationships. Homophobes cannot comprehend why someone would choose to engage in what they perceive to be unnatural. This argument invariably implies that strait people have chosen NOT to be same gender loving.
Today I had 3 very beautiful women in my company. They had it all! Great legs, big booty, hot rack, and very sensual in their talk. I am single, and haven’t had some in a long, long time. All I had to do was to pencil them in and I would have my itch satisfied! But I do not have the sexual appetite for them. And so once again I have to go to bed alone. Is that fair? Why would I choose to have a lonely night when there are willing damsels to satisfy me all night? Why do I look at men and I’m instantly full of lust, but women have no effect where it matters?
If sleeping with women is a matter of choice, then I should be at least be aroused by them, and then, based on the definition of choice, I should look at the pros of sleeping with men against women, and then decide on one. Clearly this is not the case for me. Just like a strait man will not look at a man lustfully, then won’t I look at women lustfully. This is not a matter of choosing, rather of disposition/orientation. North & South!
Truth be told, I did try at one time to stop looking at men lustfully, and to try looking at women with sexual thoughts. I had vowed to have sex with a women, and I’d found one. But couldn’t do it. And that lasted a week. Now that would have been a choice.
And therefore, I will not fight what I am; I will just be the best of who I am.
The biggest argument for homophobia is the aspect of choice. That men or women choose to have same gender sexual relationships. Homophobes cannot comprehend why someone would choose to engage in what they perceive to be unnatural. This argument invariably implies that strait people have chosen NOT to be same gender loving.
Today I had 3 very beautiful women in my company. They had it all! Great legs, big booty, hot rack, and very sensual in their talk. I am single, and haven’t had some in a long, long time. All I had to do was to pencil them in and I would have my itch satisfied! But I do not have the sexual appetite for them. And so once again I have to go to bed alone. Is that fair? Why would I choose to have a lonely night when there are willing damsels to satisfy me all night? Why do I look at men and I’m instantly full of lust, but women have no effect where it matters?
If sleeping with women is a matter of choice, then I should be at least be aroused by them, and then, based on the definition of choice, I should look at the pros of sleeping with men against women, and then decide on one. Clearly this is not the case for me. Just like a strait man will not look at a man lustfully, then won’t I look at women lustfully. This is not a matter of choosing, rather of disposition/orientation. North & South!
Truth be told, I did try at one time to stop looking at men lustfully, and to try looking at women with sexual thoughts. I had vowed to have sex with a women, and I’d found one. But couldn’t do it. And that lasted a week. Now that would have been a choice.
And therefore, I will not fight what I am; I will just be the best of who I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
